2014 was a rough year. Last New Year’s Eve I don’t remember even being aware that it had rolled around. I was sitting in an ICU waiting room without any real concept of time hoping that Scott would pull through and stay with me. It’s been an uphill battle since then to figure out what life is going to be like.
As I reflect back on all the pain, anxiety and sadness the past year has brought it’s hard to ignore all the good things that have happened too. Things that wouldn’t have happened if our life hadn’t been irreparably broken.
Visiting the Grand Canyon
We had always planned to go to the Grand Canyon together. Having Scott unable to move around very well and Hermit’s Road open so we could take a driving tour worked out perfectly. We had unusually wonderful weather for February and while it was probably too much too soon it was an amazing and beautiful time.
Spending Weekends Together
The first year that Scott and I were married he was home less than 3 months due to deployments. After he became a police officer he worked weekends and I worked a typical 8 to 5 work week. We used to joke that we were still so crazy about each other because we hardly ever saw one another. Since Scott has only been working part time and is working in a role where he isn’t required to work every weekend we have spent much more time together.
Starting This Blog
I doubt I would have taken up this blog if Scott hadn’t been injured. I’ve always found baking and cooking a great way to relieve stress and feel like I have a little control over my world. I constantly have something to look forward too that doesn’t involve social anxiety and let’s me practice my baking skills. I’m looking forward to a 2015 filled with flour freckled clothing and the scent of sweets.
One of Scott’s friends referred to today as his birthday and I’m really embracing this idea. So much so that I decided to make him a cake to celebrate this last year of living.
I made a chocolate cake with marshmallow frosting from Dorie Greenspan that was a great balance of rich chocolate and fluffy topping and perfect with a little champagne. It’s been a difficult day but once we lit the sparkler that represented the past year I felt like everything was going to be ok. I don’t feel that way as often as you might think.
Everyone wants a happy ending. They want everything to be ok and Scott to be healed and our lives to be perfect. Well that just isn’t the case. Scott is still really sick quite frequently, I’m exhausted and depressed by the interruption of our life plans that may never get back on track and our lives will never be the same. It’s ok because this isn’t the ending. It’s the beginning.
Someday Scott’s New Year’s Eve cake will have lots of candles instead of a single big sparkly one. I hope for a future with happiness and peace. A future that’s better than the present. Where our silver linings become our daily lives.